Monday, October 23, 2006

10-Minute Feng Shui

I received this little book as a "gift" from a friend. Said friend thought I could use some help in the feng shui department. And I just spilled my glass of water on the feng shui book (fortunately, this prevented water from damaging the other books in the pile). There's something very feng shui about that, don't you think?

So, having just spilled water on the book, I feel compelled to open it (before the pages become irreparably glued together). Here's a brief summary of the things I will need to have installed in my office tomorrow if I hope to "cure" the ills that currently reside therein, and increase my health, wealth and happiness, or harness the ch'i if you will:
  1. Three coins in a red envelope, on my computer
  2. Three coins in a wooden box
  3. A picture of a landscape with a mountain in the distance
  4. A figurine of a lion
  5. Eight I Ching coins tied together with a red ribbon and hung near my computer
  6. A gold star
  7. A live plant (ah, yes, I have one of those, but it is on its last leg), in a red container
  8. Tape three coins underneath the plant
  9. A dried "money plant" (wonder if the dead plant qualifies?)
  10. Vacuumed lampshades
  11. A mirror that reflects the entrance to my office
  12. An octagonal mirror above my computer
  13. Something yellow, something white, something black, and something green
  14. A small, faceted crystal ball, set in the window
  15. A vase of yellow and red flowers
  16. A black stone
  17. A piece of amethyst, on my computer
  18. Eight pieces of jade, on my computer
  19. A quartz crystal, on my computer (and an extra one in my briefcase, just in case)
  20. Another crystal, on a 9-inch red cord
  21. A small pyramid or obelisk, on my desk
  22. A green square
  23. A red triangle, pointed upwards
  24. An egg-shaped object
  25. A framed paper money bill, prominently displayed
  26. A glass wind chime, in the window
  27. A wooden wind chime, in the window
  28. A small fountain
  29. Three objects that signify wealth
  30. The "Ta Yu" symbol, prominently displayed
  31. The symbol for the planet, Jupiter (looks like a "4")
  32. The number "1"
  33. The number "8"
  34. Burning pine incense, in a bamboo holder
  35. Eight small bells on a red cord, hanging on the door
  36. All files need to be moved to the Eastern side of my office (oh, wait, they are!)
  37. And finally, I need to chant a prosperity affirmation three times upon entering my office.

Whew! And that's just the office. I'm pretty sure this will confirm everyone's suspicions that I am a complete nut, just waiting for my chance to dive into the deep end (with or without water). Does anyone really believe this stuff?!?!

Update: I just added a link to the book and in so doing, read this blurb about the author..."She lives in Gloucester, Massachusetts, with her cats." No offense to cat owners or Massachusetts residents, but I could have predicted all of this. 8-}


At 4:52 AM, October 23, 2006, Blogger Jim said...

"three objects that signify wealth..."

A stack of twenties, a stack of fifties, and a stack of 100's. Oh, and while you're at it, why don't you stick those on or near your computer.

It probably won't do anything for your ch'i or ch'ai, or even your ch'ew but everybody will be tempted to raid the treasure chest that is now your computer.

At 5:53 AM, October 23, 2006, Anonymous Brian said...

That's an excellent list. I like all the affixing of money to various objects and the specific, yet personalizable steps.

Like if you don't have a small pyramid, you can substitute that old obelisk that's everyone has lying around the house. And for the egg-shaped object ... can you just bring in a real egg? How long's it gotta last?

Oh, and I'm hoping your computer isn't a laptop, or you're going to need quite a lot of tape.

At 6:37 AM, October 23, 2006, Blogger beth said...

Wow. No wonder so many people are dissatisfied with their jobs - there aren't enough coins and red ribbons in the world. Or computer space.

Hey - I have an idea, how about magnetic coins, that would solve more problems. :)

At 10:35 AM, October 23, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

Heh. :-)

Personally, I like the specificity of the exact length of red cord for the extra crystal.

And unfortunately, my computer at the office is a laptop, which is now so laden down with significant objects I can no longer work.

The egg-shaped object made me laugh too. Apparently, I unknowingly committed an act of feng shui last week when I put the Fire Ant Eggs on my computer. ;-)

Brian, I'm still trying to figure out what an "obelisk" object might be. I have an orange currently sitting near my computer. Do you suppose that counts? Oh wait, no, that's ovalesque. I always get those confused.

At 2:44 PM, October 23, 2006, Blogger DarkoV said...

From reading your list, I've concluded that to achieve the most bestest Feng SHui, once should just carry a lot of coins in one's pockets. In groups of three. In this manner, you'll be practicing a version of portable Feng Shui. An added benefit is that your idle hands could always be parked in your pocket, counting your Feng Shui.

An uncle of mine had the Feng Shui in his pockets, but we were never able to determine what it was; our mothers tended to shoo away their brother whenever he came by to "educate" us. Hmmm, he also had a thing about the number "3", but we wrote that off as a byproduct of his seminary days.

At 3:44 PM, October 23, 2006, Blogger Eric said...

Would you really trust your feng shui to someone named "Skye"?

At 4:08 PM, October 23, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

Darko, the way I see it, it wouldn't hurt to throw in 9 inches of red string. What do you suppose was really in your uncle's pockets?

And Eric, would you really trust your feng shuit (oops, that was a typo, but I think I'll leave it ;-) to anyone but someone named Skye, or Moon?

At 5:25 PM, October 23, 2006, Blogger DarkoV said...

Five oh so very busy fingers, Gwynne.

At 5:39 PM, October 23, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

Sorry I asked! 8-} You're getting even for calling the J. Geils Band "pop-rock," aren't you? ;-)

At 6:11 PM, October 23, 2006, Blogger Eric said...

I can't believe you fell for that one! ;-)

At 7:14 PM, October 24, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

it should have said "she lives with her 90 cats"...just sayin.....if thats what you have to do in order to have good luck, i would just say you might as well throw in the towel.

see? there you go. there's my problem right there. im full of negativity and i'm uncooperative.

At 10:30 PM, October 24, 2006, Blogger mis_nomer said...

That list is seriously insane. They take feng shui pretty seriously in these parts though. It is said that no building is built without consulting the feng shui experts. I mean, we built the world's largest man-made fountain in the middle of five office blocks (representing the palm) to symbolise the continuing pouring in of wealth.

At 12:02 AM, October 25, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

Susie, that's my take on it...if that's what it takes, who wants it?! ;-)

Mis Nomer, heh, is it any wonder you sometimes find yourself fretting over being "materialistic?" ;-) In Skye's defense, she didn't present it in list format, but I thought it would be interesting to summarize her suggestions...and I have to agree, the end result is "seriously insane." I was interested in hearing your take on it since you live in a land where there is the potential for some serious feng shui. I'm afraid this is not it. ;-)

At 7:28 AM, October 25, 2006, Blogger Rach said...

Only 37 things - that will take no time to do at all :P.

At 1:05 AM, October 26, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

Rach, I'm thinking about making up boxes of feng shui for Christmas presents this year...keep an eye on your mailbox! ;-)


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