Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Just Priceless

These must be made up but were too good not to pass
along! From the inbox...

The Bible According to Kids

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got
tired of creating
theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an
ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball
of fire by night."

"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread, hich is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments."

The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in
the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

"When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus,
she sang the Magna Carta."

"When the three wise guys from the east side
arrived, they found Jesus
in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an
immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water
on his head."

"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do
one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, 'a man doth
not live by sweat alone.'"

"It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

"One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

"A Christian should have only one spouse. This is
called monotony."

(These statements were written by actual students
and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched. They were compiled by
Richard Lederer and appeared in the Catholic National Review.)


At 2:40 PM, June 20, 2006, Blogger Jen said...

I have seen that list several times. Never gets old or less funny.

I love that Lot's wife was a ball of fire by night.

At 11:16 PM, June 20, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

I like that one too. And that Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines! I also loved the child spelled Guiness so well...must be of Irish heritage. ;-)

They're all hilarious. :-)


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