Saturday, August 19, 2006

Parenting 101

Do not take your kids to see Snakes On A Plane. No matter how old they are. 30 is too young.

I cannot believe I went to see this movie. Snakes scare me. I hate most horror flicks. My ticket stub said The Devil Wears Prada. I was with my 16-year old who did not want to see it. So what happened?

What happened after that can only be explained as a moment of weakness or stupidity. As my 16-year-old and I sat alone in the theatre awaiting TDWP, I decided that we should see SOAP on the widescreen while we had a chance and save TDWP for dvd. My daughter fought back. With much coercion, she eventually gave in and we navigated our way over to the other screen. I have only myself to blame for this bad, bad choice. Of course, the 16-year old loved it ("that was fly!" were her exact words). She is also the one responsible for the loose snake in our house. She is deathly afraid of crickets and mice (the food needed to sustain her pet snake) but not at all intimidated by snakes, not even poisonous ones (though I did witness her cringing numerous times in this movie). She's also a product of too much MTV so her opinion cannot be trusted.

I am no movie critic, but the only way to get through this movie is to dissociate yourself from your body somehow. It's just that bad. I expected the creepy factor. I even expected slinkies to rattle their way down the theatre stairs. What I did not expect was vulgarity. Yeah, I know, it's rated R, but still, this one goes over the top in that respect. I nearly walked out after the first snake bite, back down the hall to see TDWP, or Material Girls, anything but this! This is "B" or "C" movie material all the way. I'm very disappointed in Samuel. He knew better than to do this picture (I almost said "film;" this is not a "film"). There were some good lines at the end and I did genuinely laugh, but this is not a comedy (unless like me, you consider all horror flicks to be in the comedy genre by definition; even so, this was somewhere in limbo land as far as the horror-as-unintentional-comedy genre goes). It was utter chaos without any redeeming qualities whatsoever, imho. There were a few decent one-liners throughout, but they were just too obvious, too disconnected, given the otherwise nondescript script. I wasn't even impressed with the videography or the special effects. Unimpressed! Did you hear me?!

This movie was simply too vulgar, too extreme, too violent, too unbelievable, too shallow to be any good at all. The only thing going for it is the title, which is just stupid enough to give you some hope. I hope this one gets bitten by a snake.

Update: Eric has a more articulate review on this flick. Glad to know I'm not alone in being embarassed to have seen it. ;-) I also appreciate one of the comments from a reader about expecting a farce of a movie. Yes! I think that's exactly what was wrong. This wasn't quite a farce, but it was far too farcical to be taken seriously. I don't even think it will stand the test of time as a classic "B Movie."


At 9:58 AM, August 19, 2006, Blogger beth said...


But, um...if you sneak out of one theater into another don't you kinda get what you get? ;)

Think of it this way - you probably just got super-cool-mom points from your daughter.

At 10:21 AM, August 19, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i woulda left. thats just me though. i hate sitting through tortureous movies. i've actually not even heard of this movie, and i doubt i would have paid it anymind, with the word snake in the title, i would look away.. me and snakes don't get along.

your word verif spells hemp. is that a sign?

At 12:25 PM, August 19, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

Beth, yeah, you're right, only they both started at the same time and I figured we could have just as easily gone up front and exchanged our tickets...we just skipped that part. And we "paid" for it. ;-)

Susie, I blame Eric. ;-)

At 7:05 PM, August 20, 2006, Blogger Foo said...

I'm sorry to hear the movie was everything I expected it would be. What a stupid premise. Sounds like you'd have been better to see Another Scary Movie 12. At least those are meant to be stupid.

At 10:20 PM, August 20, 2006, Blogger mis_nomer said...

"Do not take your kids to see Snakes On A Plane. No matter how old they are. 30 is too young."

heehee. I'm sorry it was awful. At least you got to write a funny blog post out of it.

At 8:38 PM, August 21, 2006, Blogger Gwynne said...

Foo, well you do propose an alternative in the right direction (i.e. more stupid as opposed to more horror), but I'd probably pick SOAP over Another Scary Movie 12. So I guess it wasn't that bad. ;-)

Mis_nomer, 'tis true. A silver lining in every cloud, or snake filled plane as it were.


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